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Engineer

by Maggie Del Re

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1.
Engineer 02:51
I am an engineer Drafting versions of a better me Floating far away from here Farther than your eyes will see Listen, listen I still want to give in But I'm holding Fast and hard to anything Grip your arm You don't understand How it makes me strong When my nails dig in And then rip the flesh I always hurt the ones That I love the best You'll ride the train westbound Looking out At a world you've yet to meet Hoping you'll recognize the sound Of your brand new walking feet
2.
Round and round we go now Unfaltering comfort like silk in your ears It’s amazing to think that it still feels the same After all these years Much safer than any home I’ve ever known We are boundless Well if you’re looking at me for advice Then it might not be pretty Well if you’re looking at me Then I’m sorry It’s okay with me if you don’t know why you’re crying I’ll stay by your side I know that you are trying If you got the hooch Well, that’s a game-changer May you get out quick if this house is ever in danger May you stay out of harm’s way Forever stay out of harm’s way I’m building up my plastic figuring army I guarantee that no one stands a chance If you ever need someone, you’ll give me a call I’ll reach out with both my little hands Well if you’re looking at me for advice Then it might not be pretty Well if you’re looking at me Then I’m sorry May you stay out of harm’s way Forever stay out of harm’s way
3.
Bad Dreams 04:13
I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them Well if I wake up crying, then I know up dying And if I wake up alone, then at least I’m at home I’m going to dread this tomorrow When it’s only today I’m gonna take all these feelings And throw them away Once you’re open to change Well, that’s subject to change These days all the people who say that they love me They all sound the same Oh, I’m having flashbacks To moments I never lived through Hypotheticals and history Some fictional, but many true Moments from your timeline and mine It’s enough to bring a tear to my eye I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them Well if I wake up crying, then I know up dying And if I wake up alone, then at least I’m at home Oh, I’m having flashbacks To moments I never lived through Hypotheticals and history Some fictional, but many true Moments from your timeline and mine It’s enough to bring a tear to my eye I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them I’m still waiting to wake up Bad dreams, forget them Well if I wake up crying, then I know up dying And if I wake up alone, then at least I’m at home
4.
Forgive Me 03:25
And if my clumsy knees Got scraped up on the sidewalk Would they still carry me On my mid-afternoon walk To see my honeybee To breath in all the flowers Add honey to my tea I’ll be there in half an hour Could my body forgive me? Could my body forgive me? And if my little hands Fumbled and dropped the ball Would you still latch on tight And hold them through the fall My dearest sweetest peach Starts to rot in my room There’s hair lining the floor Left behind by the broom Could my body forgive me? Could my body forgive me? If I don’t own my body, then I own nothing at all And if I don’t love my body, then I don’t love my home And if my shaky shoulders Could not learn to stand still Would they still keep me strong Or at least pretend they will Would I look like a fool Would you still want to love me I ponder to myself Staring at the sky above me Could my body forgive me? Could my body forgive me?
5.
6.
7.
Too Far 03:02
We could be looking in the same direction And you’re taking this way too far I’ve got this chip up on my shoulder I wear it with me where I go See I’m prideful but I’m full of shit, And I’m gone too, so I’m a hypocrite But I wanted you to know No one likes to see you spin out They just don’t know how to help We could be looking in the same direction And you’re taking this way too far When you’re sitting on the floor And you’ve taken a few tabs too many And the music is too loud, You’re not in the mood for a crowd No friends help, and there are plenty They don’t really know what this is about They just don’t know how to help We could be looking in the same direction And you’re taking this way too far
8.
Tucked away Inside a box Inside a bag Inside a backpack stuffed With secrets inside A special moment Once known A photograph Still framed in my mind I’ll seek if you hide If there’s something to find It’s surely not mine Anymore, in that box, in that bag, The past packed away To rust and decay Former friends Build their names Or tear them down Or carry on as they would When you still called them friends Eyes of glass Watch over Unblinking Not a hint of remorse Too late to make amends If there’s something to find It’s surely not mine Anymore, in that box, in that bag, The past packed away To rust and decay
9.
He won’t come home But that’s okay Lying on the ground It’s a little strange To watch him floating down the lake To feel the wind Sweep him away He won’t come home But that’s okay Some people say he loves me Anyway Don’t know how they Know that today But Mama’s still here And she says she’ll stay I love my mom and she says she’ll stay He won’t come home But it will be okay He won’t come home I know it’s strange To see his body on the ground To see the stones lying around Will the flowers grow On the stone Where his bones lie underneath Will the flowers grow On the stone Where mom’s bones lie underneath Will the flowers grow On the stone Where my bones lie underneath The flowers will grow On the stone Where your bones lie underneath
10.
Love Him 01:46
Love him truly Care for him always Take his hand On good days and bad days And when he feels sad Hold him closely Speak to him gently But listen mostly Protect who you love Worry if you must Let anger float out And away with the dust Love him tender Honest and faithfully And when he wants to leave Don’t think of him hatefully
11.
As I walk into the woods My left red shoe gets caked in mud Right foot gets caught up in the sidewalk And I go down with a thud Two men step out of a vehicle I don’t think they see me at all As they walk in perfect sync Pull a man off the grass to the hospital I pull on my sweater It don’t make me feel much warmed When it’s 40 degrees I shake it like I’m I performer Oh I feel like I’m in a movie Nothing’s making any sense It’s all so perfectly scripted Crafted to entertain the audience Keep them hanging on the fence As I start my stumble home A boy and girl are in a fight She yells at him and waves her arms This wide road starts to feel tight I’m changing my direction They’re raising their aggression What could so quickly turn hateful What was at one point perfection Oh I feel like I’m on an escalator Being lifted off the ground Into another space, up and away Far from the places I want to stay And I’m dancing with the sound Once you’ve been hurt too many times One thing after another Is there really any point In even trying to recover? I don’t know I’m trying to be some good in this world But it seems I’m not up to the task Kindness is seen as weakness They run away and say “be right back” But if the story of a fall Cannot elicit a reaction Then I’ll have to try much harder To ever gain any traction Put on a shorter skirt Take off my baggy T-shirt Start a new life, get a new face Or press myself into the dirt Into the dirt, I like the dirt
12.
Ordinary 02:33
The ordinary instant Has its grip on me The ordinary instant Is every instant you'll ever see Okay, but I just can't shake the weight of this one Its tethered itself onto my legs And it's holding me back I cannot run Back into the past where I think I belong But the air smells fresher than yesterday The air smells fresher than yesterday And your arms hold me a little tighter When they reach down to grab across my waist So I guess in that sense Everything is okay Still with your head hung low I hope that you know That there's still a million normal moments To surprise, and stun, and scare you And it's so early for you to give up on them now In a world so strange and sad as this one It's sometimes okay to feel like you don't belong What seems to be so strange and beautiful There's lots of things you ought to know But just can't seem to figure out In a world so strange and sad as this one It's sometimes okay to feel like you don't belong What seems to be so strange and beautiful There's lots of things you ought to know But just can't seem to figure out And really I think it's beautiful To watch you learning as you go Through each ordinary instant

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released February 28, 2020

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Maggie Del Re Worcester, Massachusetts

Shitty music for people who like to hear shitty music

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